TLC Grief and Bereavement
Someone close to you has died. It may have been a sudden death, or an end to lengthy suffering. Your relationship may have been tender and loving, or cautious and strained. You may have had the chance to express your love fully, or you may feel the pangs of words unsaid and deeds undone. You may have a sense of peace about the way things came to a close, or you may feel haunted by regret and anger.
No matter how it happened, this life-changing event will affect you in many ways.
“Grief” is the normal reaction to such a loss. Its length and course vary but common signs of grief include:
- Shock, disbelief, numbness, a sense of unreality
- Problems with short-term memory and how well you can focus
- Feeling angry or over-sensitive
- Guilt, anxiety
- Lack of energy
- Bouts of sadness or tears
- Constant thoughts of your loved one
- Changes in normal sleep patterns
- Feeling more or less hungry than normal
- Seeing or hearing your loved one
Many people don’t realize the toll that grief can take. If we ignore grief, it may turn into depression. This is far more harmful, and it’s harder to heal.
Those of us at Fairview Health Services wish to express our sorrow for the loss of your loved one. It takes time to complete and grieve a relationship that has been forever altered by death. We urge you to be gentle with yourself as you move through the grief process.
Try not to isolate yourself
Although you may want to be alone, connecting with others is much more healthy and healing. Studies show that contact with others improves your physical, mental and emotional health.
People who are grieving need the love and understanding of others to heal. Telling the story of the death and talking about the person who has died are helpful steps in the grief process.
Consider individual or group grief support
To locate a grief group or counselor in your area, you can call
- Your local faith community leader or a local church, synagogue or mosque
- Your local community center or county mental health department
- Your chosen funeral director
- Your primary health care provider
- The social work or chaplaincy department in your hospital
- United Way, by dialing 211 from any land phone (not cell)
- See Grief Group and Community Support Groups in metro area (click on most recent version as it’s changed quarterly)
- To view a calendar of classes, click on this link ‘Calendar of Classes and Support Groups’ and THEN select SUPPORT GROUPS from the left column.
For more information on grief resources, call Fairview On Call (612) 672-7272.
Pregnancy and Newborn Loss Services
This service includes support groups, initial grief consultation, lending library, remembrance events, professional consultation and educational services for patients and families who have experienced a loss of a pregnancy or a newborn. For more information about resource in the Twin Cities, please contact the Pregnancy and Newborn Loss information line, (612) 672-7452 (PILC).
Youth Grief Services
Recognizing that both youth and parents need support, Youth Grief Services offers a range of services to assist families in grief. The primary offering is a grief support series that provides youth a safe place to freely express their grief. The series also offers support and education for parents to help them understand their own grief, as well as their children's.
Resources for Survivors
Reference Numbers
Funeral, burial arrangements
The funeral director can answer most of your questions. He/she can also handle many of the details for you, such as ordering death certificates and making burial arrangements. Federal Law requires funeral homes to provide price lists of available options (general services, caskets, outer burial containers). You should not feel obligated to spend more than you can afford. What will you find on a Price List? All available services and their cost, including:
- Funeral director services for initial conference, consultations, paperwork, and overhead. This fee is added to all bills.
- Transportation of the body to the funeral home and to the place of final disposition.
- Care of the body, including embalming and "casketing," or dressing the body.
- Use of facilities for a viewing, wake, or visitation, and the funeral or memorial ceremony at the funeral home.
- Other options: purchasing flowers, preparing obituary notices, or providing music.
- Alternative arrangements: cremation or immediate burial where the body is interred without embalming, usually in a simple container and no viewing or ceremony with the body present.
Necessary paperwork you will need to locate
- Death certificate. Available from your funeral director or county health department. It is recommended that you purchase at least a dozen certified copies of the death certificate. Most companies will want a certified copy, but use a photocopy when you can to save money.
- Social Security numbers. For the deceased, spouse, and dependent children.
- Birth certificates. For the deceased and any dependent children. Available at either the state or county public records offices where the person was born.
- Marriage certificate. Available from the county clerk where the marriage license was issued.
- Discharge papers. If the deceased was a veteran, you will need a copy of the discharge certificate. If you cannot find a copy, contact National Personnel Records Center, 9700 Page Boulevard, St. Louis, MO 63132-5200 (Send it to the attention of the branch in which the deceased served).
- Original Will. The lawyer who wrote the will may have it. Or, it may be with the personal belongings of the deceased or in a safe deposit box. Some banks have special procedures before letting anyone into the safe deposit box.
- List of property. A complete list of what the deceased owned including real estate, stocks, bonds, bank accounts, deeds, and personal property.
- Recent income tax returns. If you cannot locate a copy of the most recent income tax return, you need to fill out IRS Form 4506. Attach documentation that identifies you as authorized to act on behalf of the deceased, such as letters from the probate court.
Benefits, insurance, social security, etc.
Social Security
If the deceased had paid into Social Security for at least 40 quarters, two types of benefits are possible:
- 1. Death benefit: $255 for burial expenses is available to eligible spouses or dependent children. The survivor can complete the necessary form at the local Social Security office, or the funeral director may complete the application and apply the payment directly to the funeral bill.
- 2. Survivor's benefits: A variety of benefits are available depending on the age and relationship of any survivors. You may be eligible for benefits if you match any of these circumstances:
a. Spouse age 60 or older
b. Disabled surviving spouse age 50 or older
c. Spouse under 60 who cares for dependent children under 16 or disabled children
d. Children of the deceased under the age of 18 or who are disabled
Veteran's Administration
If the deceased was receiving monthly payments already, you will need to notify the VA of the death.
If the deceased was a veteran who received a discharge other than dishonorable, survivors may get $300 toward funeral expenses and $150 for burial costs. Burial in a national cemetery is free to a veteran, spouse, and dependent children. Veterans are also eligible for a headstone or grave marker.
The surviving spouse and dependent children of disabled veterans may also be entitled to a lump sum death benefit, monthly payments, such as educational assistance and medical care.
Employee Benefits
Many employers provide life, health, or accident insurance. The deceased may be due a final paycheck for vacation or sick leave. Be sure to contact all past employers, including federal, state or local governments, to see if you are entitled to death benefits, continued health insurance coverage for the family, or payments from an annuity or pension plan.
Life Insurance
You will need to locate life insurance policies and contact the company/agent for assistance.
Web Sites
Books - General
Fairview Press offers a selection of books about grief and loss.
Here are some others:
Amatuzio, Janis. Forever Ours: Real Stories of Immortality and Living from a Forensic Pathologist. Novato, California: New World Library, 2004.
Boss, Pauline. Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief. Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1999.
Viorst, Judith. Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow. New York: Simon & Schuster, 1986.
Wolfelt, Alan D., PhD. Healing Grief at Work: 100 Practical Ideas after Your Workplace Is Touched by Loss. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2005.
DeBerry, John. Understanding Your Grief – Ten Essential Touchstones for Finding Hope and Healing Your Heart. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2003.
Zonnebelt-Smeenge, Susan J. and Robert Devries. Getting to the Other Side of Grief: Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse. Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Books, 2000.
Books – For Children
Buscaglia, Leo. The Fall of Freddie the Leaf. New York: Henry Holt Co., l982. A warm and simple story about a leaf named Freddie that illustrates the delicate balance between life and death.
Hanson, Warren. The Next Place. Minneapolis: Waldman House Press, Inc., 1997. Portrays in text and beautiful images an inspirational journey of light and hope to a place where earthly hurts are left behind.
McCue, Kathleen, M.A., C.C.L.S., with Ron Bonn. How to Help Children through a Parent’s Serious Illness: Supportive, Practical Advice from a Leading Child Life Specialist. New York, NY: St. Martin’s Press, 1994. A practical handbook that prepares parents to address children’s fears with honesty and empathy.
Mellonie, Bryan & Ingpen, Robert. Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children. New York: Bantam Books, l983. Helps young children understand life and death by using examples of Nature to explain death as something that happens to all living things.
Mills, Joyce C., PhD. Gentle Willow: A Story for Children about Dying. Washington, DC: Magination Press, 2003. A beautiful, sensitive and hope-filled metaphor that emphasizes transformation and the healing power of love, for school age and older.
Thomas, Pat. I Miss You: A First Look At Death. Hauppauge NY: Barrons Educational Series, 2001. Helps boys and girls understand that death is a natural complement to life, and that grief and a sense of loss are normal feelings for them to have following a loved one’s death.
White, E.B. Charlotte's Web. New York: Harper & Row, l952. A classic favorite about a little girl, a little pig and a beautiful spider, Charlotte. This book highlights the sweetness of relationships and the reality of dying.
Wolfelt, Alan D., PhD. Healing Your Grieving Heart: 100 Practical Ideas for Kids. Fort Collins, CO: Companion Press, 2000. Nurturing, easy ideas for supporting children in grief.
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